Before I start into my thoughts, let me have a second to explain myself. This is my first blog post ever on my first blog. I didn't quite know what I wanted to do, but I came to the decision to start this because I get annoyed with people who post anything long, intimate, or pointless on Facebook status', I refuse to join Twitter, and I didn't feel like really putting myself out there on YouTube video blogs, which is something I have thought about doing on several occasions. I don't know how far this blog will go; this could be the one and only post that makes it on here, I could go several months or years between posts, I could update it quite frequently now that I have found a medium for my thoughts and ramblings, or maybe it could be discovered by somebody really important in the world and wind up making me lots of money. I would venture a bet that it will probably fall in the middle somewhere. I intend (if I keep up with it) to post any thoughts, ideas, ramblings, concerns, grievances, or anything else that I so chose on here so if you are interested feel free to read on. Now on to my first post
I just spent a long weekend at the lake with my family as my summer winds down. I left early on Thursday evening because I was getting kind of fed up with my work situation, and frankly I had been looking forward to a weekend down here away from everything. If I were to sum up my weekend in one word, I could easily put my finger on the word nostalgic. I felt myself going over everything from my family situation with my dad to my summer and my friends. As I was walking through the yard at one point in the weekend I noticed that the place in the yard that we (my brothers, brother in law, friends) used to use as home plate for our home-run derby competitions that would take place at least once every weekend of every summer for years and years had transformed from the friendly sight of mud and dirt worn down by constant bat taps, tosses, and slams that I was so familiar with to being overgrown with grass and weeds. It was at the point where I had a hard time picking it apart from any other spot on the lawn. My first thought was that I had obviously outgrown the field because I am still in love with baseball and home-run derby, and I would gladly play any day of the week. My second thought was that my partners in crime had out-grown the field in the sense of responsibility and time availability. I then realized that when we would play back in the day, my opponents were older than I am now so it wouldn't be that outrageous for me to play on this size of field and still have fun. I found myself lost in a complicated web of thoughts that landed on my nieces and nephews. Everybody that I used to spend time with has such a tight schedule I often times find that I don't get to spend as much time with them as I would like. While I love spending times with the kids more than anything I find myself reminiscing back to the way things used to be. I also find myself looking forward to the the times when the kids are a bit more independent and nap-time, bed-time, snack-time, and lunch-time are not as defined as they are now. I then land on the scarey thought that by the time that happens (if it ever does). I will be the one enforcing the same rules. Having so many siblings that are all older and are all multiplying like rabbits has gotten to be a bigger challenge adjustment wise for me than I had thought. This feels a lot like the nervousness I felt around Christmas about things changing and never going back to the way that I had known. I often times also feel cheated out of traditions and Ott children things because of my age gap, and its something that isn't necessarily fair, but can't be helped.
The relationships between family members that I encountered this weekend were also way off, and it kind of made me sick. I understand that some wounds may leave scars that will never heal, but I just wish that we (family) could figure our shit out. More times than not, it seems that I am the only one that can really remember how awesome it used to be to have our whole family down here. While that is not possible right now given the current size of the house, it is possible to create something more fair and it frusterates me that not all parties are striving for fair. I have come to conclusion that either I am the only one who really rememembers what it was like when all of us were here, or I am the only one that really valued that time. If everybody remembered and valued it like I do, and I know my parents do, then we would make it work. If it doesn't get figured out soon, I fear that this place may change from the safe haven away from reality that I have always known it as into more of a conflict zone than I know of at home. Right now is the time that I miss the rocks that my grandparents have been for our family more than ever.
To end this first post I will migrate to something a lot easier to talk about. The last nostalgic feeling I encountered occurred while I was looking out the window onto the lake and watching a wake boarder pass. My dad had alerted me of the skill of the boarder, and to that I noticed that she was a girl. Following that boat was another girl on a jet ski, and following her were two guys on jet skis. At that moment I had just gotten off the phone with an old friend that used to spend many summer weekends with me at the lake and I had invited him down again (he couldn't). The irony was out of this world. On such a reminiscent weekend I had just gotten off the phone with the guy that I used to chase girls up and down the lake with, and I see the same thing happening out the window. By this point it just seemed comical to me, as I did not find myself wanting. It is impossible to do that considering the fact that I see myself as one of the luckiest guys in the world with my current relationship. The only thing that scenario made me desire was for her to come down here a bit more often so I could show her how awesome this place can be
I am not sure how long these things are supposed to be but that is all I have for now; they may get much longer or much shorter depending on how I feel after read this one over, and how much time I find myself having, but this seems like a good length for now. Next time I will go for something a little more spirited and maybe a bit more positive, although I have been thinking about writing about my thoughts on the Cardinals for a long time and that will be hard to turn into something positive. One final note, if you have any problem with my grammar or my spelling, I don't really care.
Signing off,
Jason
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